It's not pretty, but it's fixable

You ever experience a funk? Where nothing you do feels right, nothing seems to be working, nothing just goes off without a hitch. You're constantly questioning yourself and whether you're good enough, whether you're doing the right things for the right reasons. 

My ex used to frequently call me "Captain of the Fail Boat", because I was obviously incompetent, incapable, immature, and worthless. Yes, I was told those things, and though I have come light years from where I started, those hurtful words stuck to me like glue. When I go through periods of "failure", in my own eyes, I get really down on myself and revert back to being a victim. It's another one of those PTSD reactions to years of being emotionally beaten down. If I'm in a bad mood, I'll look at myself with disgust. 

I will pick apart my body image, body shame, put myself down...negative self-talk comes spewing from my mouth like verbal diarrhea. 

Do I know this is wrong? Of course I do! Am I always this way? Obviously not. Most of the time I'm secure with myself and content with the person I am. I thrive on growth, though, and when I get down on myself the best thing I can do is pick up a personal development book and read to reset my frame of mind. A favorite is You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. She has a way of putting life into perspective.

I have been in a funk lately. I know why, but I'm not sure how to change it. It began with a lupus flare that won't quit, and I let myself go. I was so exhausted with trying to fight the flare, stay on top of my daycare business (12 kids this summer....I was tired), plus trying to be the best health and fitness motivator I could be, all while starting a new an exhilarating relationship with the most amazing and wonderful man I've ever met, and his son. It happened so fast. I was blindsided with the love of my life and had an insta-family. I'm so incredibly happy, but I had no time to adjust. A new way of life smacked me in the face overnight. I tried, but there is no slowing down something that is just so organic and natural. I was on cloud nine.

Yet I couldn't keep myself motivated. That fact right there...that fucked - is still fucking - with my head. 

I keep asking myself, "How can I be an effective coach if I can't even keep myself on track? I'm not practicing what I preach. I suck at life. I'm a failure. I. CAN'T. DO. THIS." But the truth is, I'm a fucking human. I'm not perfect. I have hurdles, just like the rest of you. I'm a work in progress, and that will always hold true. Because I'm not ok with being stagnant. Grow or die. So...am I good at what I do? YES! I'm a great coach when I can dedicate my time to others. I have a knack for helping people. It's kinda my thing. 

I'm currently mediating with my ex. We have put off pulling the trigger on the "big D" (get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty fools!) for many reasons, the important ones being:

1. time
2. finances

We needed time to step back from the mess we made of our lives to heal. We needed space from each other to cool down, to let our kids adjust to our separation. We just needed to be apart, for their sake. For our sake. It is outrageous how much it costs to hire an attorney to go through the divorce process. Tens of thousands of dollars on average. Financially we are not in a position to do that. We knew we needed to mediate, but time was of the essence. We are finally in a good place where we can sit down together and discuss our separate futures maturely, with our daughters' best interest in mind. This alone has taken a huge toll on me in the last few months, and I finally feel at ease now that the process is rolling. A few more months and I will be able to officially move on with my life, and that load of bricks will fall away from my shoulders.


What does stress do to us? Terrible things, that's what. I'm an emotional eater. These last few stress filled months have sent me into an emotional eating downward spiral. I gained 15 pounds, and I'm not proud of it. But that's my point. We all experience times in our lives when we fail to take care of ourselves due to external circumstances, or by personal choice. 

It's not pretty, but it's fixable. 

And that's exactly what I intend to do. It will be a slow process, but I will take the necessary steps to fix my body, mind and soul. My heart is already being tended to...I feel love daily and I know what happiness is. But I will feel at home when all of those areas are aligned. What can you do to align the areas of your life? Take notes, right down your long term goals, immediate goals, and the steps it will take to get there. Recognize what makes you sad, angry, anxious, elated, content. Once you know those things, you're on the path to true self-discovery and happiness. Self awareness is a pretty incredible thing.