...that I'm a closet eater.
Sigh.
I do eat clean a majority of the time. Honestly. You see the recipes I post...those are all my homemade concoctions that I've come up with on my own. I care a LOT about my health, my mental and physical well being. Which makes me feel even more guilty about sneaking into the kitchen and eating foods with a high sugar content. You know this is a real problem for you if you're watching your back while you're shoving food into your mouth, eating it so fast so that you don't get caught, so fast that you're not even able to enjoy it.
"I wouldn't want my kids or my boyfriend to see me eating this nasty junk, so I better do it fast. And maybe have a couple more real quick while they're not looking, just in case I don't get a chance to sneak back later...".
But then I do sneak back later. That's some real heavy shit right there. Like maybe borderline eating disorder kind of stuff. If I'm feeling guilty after eating it, there is a problem. That's an unhealthy food relationship. It's always been a struggle, even when I was young. I have an obvious love-hate relationship with food, and I'm seeing it with so much more clarity now. I don't act like this every day. Not even like half of the week. But it's a big problem for me for a number of reasons.
1. I want to lose weight. I want to lose 30 more pounds to get down to my goal weight. This is a ballpark number...I don't believe that the number matters all that much because it has a lot more to do with how you feel in your own skin, mentally, how your clothes fit, etc. I also believe that the actual number has a way of fucking with our heads. It's just a damn number people! Stop obsessing over it! If you look good, feel good, love your body, eat clean, work out, who cares what the scale says? Regardless of my rant, I am NOT happy in my skin just yet. I've gained back some weight and I feel miserable about it. So, time to cut that shit out and make some changes.
2. Heath concerns. Autoimmune disease. I have Lupus, which affects my joints, my digestion, my soft tissues and mucus membranes. I have chronic fatigue. My muscles are tight and stiff. I wake up nearly in tears almost every night, unable to flip over or shift my body due to pain in my hips. I am now too stiff to work out first thing in the morning, and if I do, my workout is less than half-assed. Depression. Anxiety. Hypothyroidism. Endometriosis. Not gonna get into that, because it would require a story of its own. But it's there and it's an issue.
3. I don't want to be dependent on anything, ever. Not sugar, not the medications I have to take to control my health issues. I want to live free and healthy and happy without feeling tied down to something tangible. I can't necessarily control some of those things...I can't make lupus or hypothyroidism go away by eating healthier, but I can control the symptoms. I've already made great strides in weaning off my anti-depressants and feel good about going off of them by the end of the year. (#goalsetting) I am IN CONTROL of how I feel, and eating healthy makes me feel good. Sugar makes me feel good, too, for about as long as it is in my mouth. Then poof! Now I'm a pile of shit.
Take back the power that you know you have and use it to do better for yourself. I tell myself that allllll the time. I need to be able to practice what I preach. For me. And someday I truly, honestly will.
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