Doomed

I knew this day was bound to be a doozy when a mosquito started snacking on my ass first thing this morning. Parts of my life are utterly perfect, and others seem to be in a slump. I know that it's normal to have peaks and valleys in any aspect of life, but that doesn't make dealing with them any easier. The problem is that when the little things start falling apart and feel a loss of control, I get overwhelmed and my PTSD kicks in. I start pushing back on the people I care about. This isn't something I have control over. It's like anxiety in a way that it's completely irrational and comes on unexpectedly. Sometimes there are teensy little, practically unnoticeable signs that I don't even pick up on...and I will usually deny that anything is even wrong until "the big push" happens. BAM! There it is. 

PSA: If a conversation ever presents itself to you with very little tact, it's probably because I'm pushing. I'm either feeling anxious or worried about something, or scared, and I don't know how to deal with it. All bets are off at this point, and once the fire dies down, I find myself having to back track to smother those embers that are now still burning in someone else's mind. It doesn't help matters that I'm stubborn by nature and like to have the last word, another area of self-improvement.

PTSD symptoms are real. Even for people who have never been in the military. It's a very real and potentially devastating thing, and it affects a lot of people. Women are highly prone to it, and it's been noted that the menstrual cycle can even affect the anxiety, fear and phobia reactions to PTSD. 

I know for certain that I have pushed on several of my close friends, my family, people who mean the world to me. If you are one of those people, please know that I love you...that hurting you is not my intention, and that I'm still working on myself. Every. Single. Day. I made a vow to myself three years ago that I would never stop trying to be the best person I can be. No matter what it takes, I will continue to make self improvements. Sometimes I focus more on my personal life, my values, my self-concept, and other times I feel the need to shift my focus to my physical health. All are equally important. Most notably, I'm making a conscious effort every day to surround myself with positivity, to be grateful and appreciative of the gifts I've been blessed with, and to find happiness even in the darkest times. Sometimes even taking a quiet moment to just be one with your surroundings make all the difference. If you let your kid use your phone while they wait for the bus, they might even catch you in a rare moment of calm.

If you open the blinds, the sun will shine in. Let it shine.