You know the saying "blood is thicker than water"? It implies that our loyalties should be directed toward our families. But, what if one of your family members gives you an ultimatum to choose sides them and another family member? What if the family member forcing a decision on you is your own toxic parent?
I am a fiercely loyal person and I love hard. I mean
hard. Unless you are a disrespectful, condescending, arrogant, egocentric, name-calling narcissist sperm donor. Then, I got nothing for ya. I spent my entire life trying to please my father. I vied for his attention, but nothing I ever did was good enough. As a child, I was a "goddamn dummy" when I made a mistake. I was only offered his time at his convenience. His hobbies came before his own children. Once he told my step-mom who disclosed to me that my dad said he had always thought I would be the successful child. Because my brother got into a 6-figure career and I'm a daycare provider raising a family as a single mom, I've seen no success in my life? It's all about the big fat dollar sign.
Sadly, I don't have any vivid memories of a single actual fun moment shared between us from my childhood. I always felt like my mom was forcing a relationship between us, and after they divorced when I was in college, that relationship because even more distant. To this day, he only contacts me out of obligation to arrange holiday get-togethers or birthdays. I do not hear from him at all in the off months. He lives an hour away and he never asks to visit, doesn't want to talk to or see his granddaughters. There is no monetary gain in him spending time with us, so it's just not on his to-do list.
I recently asked him about purchasing his used vehicle when he trades it in for a brand new vehicle as he does every two years or so. He told me the trade-in value was $28-29,000 and that I should look into seeing what kind of loan I can get for $29k. He won't even give his own daughter a break. I didn't ask for one, but it's clear that he's out to get every last penny he can in life. He's going to die alone, with a pocket full of change.
Recently his estranged brother died. His brother has only one heir, my younger cousin, who is like a sister to me. She is the only person who really gets me -- understands my family affairs, my genetics, my personality, and my personal struggles. She has them, too. I love her dearly and would do anything for her, as I know she would for me. She has seen me through some of the darkest moments of my life...knows every last secret. Does not judge me, loves me unconditionally. She's my ride or die. Back to the point here...my dad and his sister knew that their brother had died for a whole week before they told my cousin. They didn't inform her about his death until they realized they'd need to pay almost $1,000 to retrieve his body from the morgue in Arizona, cremate and ship it back to Minnesota. He had medical bills, rented storage units, among other personal affects that needed tending to. He insisted that she be in charge of handling his estate, and so she has, alone, with no one there to help her. She's spent the last month with his ashes, finally getting to spend time with the father who abused and then abandoned her. She needs closure, but she's had no time to grieve. She is a 30 year old single mother and has put about $5,000 into dealing with his estate, and suddenly my father wants to take over, now that everything has been handled. He planned a funeral without her consent, when she was planning a life celebration to take place around his birthday in March. She was going to separate out the ashes in a creative way and give them to the people her dad was close to. She had a plan of action, and they so disrespectfully went behind her back, planned a funeral, and didn't even make sure she and her daughter can attend. They can't.
When he asked if I was going to attend, I said no...that I would attend the service my cousin was planning when the ashes would actually be buried. It was at this point I was offered an ultimatum and I quote: "You just crossed the line here. Better choose what side of the fence you'll be on!". This sickens me. He proceeded to call her a lying little shit, that she has a smartass mouth, then told me I was just like her. Told me to go be happy without my real family. I guess wishing for my family to be able to come to a compromise over the death of a family member is too much to ask. All my cousin wants is to find peace in her father's death, and it's not unlike my family to cause drama when they fear they won't have control over the situation. Or the card box. At the last funeral there was a divide because money was stolen from the card box by one or more of the siblings.
I just. CAN'T live like this, with these toxic people poisoning my life. I've been through enough. I've done it with little support from my family. I've had only a few supporters in my life, one of them being my mom. I'm thankful for the family I do have, but it's clear that love is conditional. It's a matter of convenience. I won't expose my children to this toxicity, or teach them that this is how we treat others. It's sad that my dad is choosing to behave this way...I didn't really even touch on the nasty things he's said to me, and I'm not going to. I'm not even surprised by his behavior, so much so that I didn't even shed a tear when he told me to take a flying leap. Maybe I'm just relieved that the tension I've been feeling for so long has been released, and now I can just move forward with my life. Those who choose to be involved in it are welcome with open, loving arms. And I'm happy this way. My life is grand, with or without him. Can't you see how incredible my life is?
